Friday, September 30th, 2011
My one month leave concludes tomorrow, but to be honest I have been doing some work from home and helping out the new person in my position. I began to go stir crazy. My house is cleaner than it has been in years.
Leaving something you love is hard. I give it up, but then I want to take it back. I care for the children and their families and it is hard to say goodbye, but in my case I am not saying goodbye to the people, just the position. But that is hard too. I have such a bond with the programs and ministries many of which I created and have been happy to begin to see the imprint on people’s lives and it is hard to say goodbye to that warm feeling.
With 30 days past me know, I feel remarkably better. I look better, I have control of my physical pain and my brain is no longer swimming in jello. Though at times I want to pick up the reins and continue on my journey as the Director of Children & Family Ministries, it is clearer to me now that it isn’t the best choice for me and my family. The time has come for me to stop holding so tight onto this career, this job, this passion, this purpose, this identity that I created for myself and begin my walk down a new path. I feel more confident than I did even two weeks ago. I am almost excited. There are still worries, mostly monetary, but I can finally get all my thoughts from running back to that place. My kids will eat and will be provided for and God willing I will still be able to get the medication I need. I may never have my own house and may never travel to all the places in the world I want to see, but that’s ok. I am at a place now where I can separate all that and live for today. I will continue to dream and who knows where that will take me.
